


shadows of echoes of memories of songs

by softlyforgotten



Category: Bandom, Panic At The Disco, The Young Veins
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-22
Updated: 2011-08-22
Packaged: 2017-10-22 22:37:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/243342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softlyforgotten/pseuds/softlyforgotten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I thought you couldn't get any more irresponsible!" Zack shouted. "And then one of you went and got tinified!" Also, there are footnotes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	shadows of echoes of memories of songs

It’s not like there’s ever a definite start or end to anything that happens in real life, so Ryan feels perfectly justified in saying it’s not his fault 1. There are, to put it simply, a chain of events that lead to where Ryan is at this moment 2 and why he is there, and why now, after Spencer’s broken up with Haley (years ago) and Ryan’s broken up with Keltie (not so long ago) and they’ve spent what feels like the last three years circling around each other, they’ve reached this current moment.

 _Impasse_ , Ryan thinks.

It is maybe one of the top five worst moments of his life. In approximately five minutes, he will wish he was back living it again.

*

Brendon is singing in the next room and Ryan listens to him absently, sitting with his back to the door, head resting against the wood. He wonders if Spencer is still out there, waiting, wonders if Spencer still looks angry with his fists clenched and cheeks flushed, or if he’s changed by now, if he just looks the special kind of resigned that only Ryan can seem to bring out of him. Ryan hopes not. He doesn’t like it when Spencer’s sad.

Brendon’s singing gets closer and then stops. For a moment, there is silence3 and Ryan wants to see, wants to look, but doesn’t feel quite ready to face Spencer, not yet, not for a little longer. Then Ryan hears someone say something, a voice quiet and high-pitched, and Brendon says, “ _Spencer_?”

Ryan stands up. Brendon sounds shocked and slightly horrified and Ryan conjures up horrible ideas, terrifying visions from bad movies and horror stories. He fumbles uselessly with the lock on the door for a moment before getting it open and bursting back out into the passageway.

“And then,” a very small person says, voice trembling, “I will _kick_ you. Hard!”

“Dude,” Brendon says, looking up at Ryan, eyes huge and face white, “What the _fuck_ did you do to Spencer?” 4

Ryan has time to say, “Do _what_ to – wait, what the fu— is that—” and then the very small person has turned around and flung himself at Ryan, up with surprising agility until he is clinging around Ryan’s neck. Ryan lifts his arms up to support him automatically, and then he blinks down, because the tiny person is a little boy wearing Spencer’s t-shirt, and it’s not even a little boy that Ryan doesn’t recognise. It’s a little boy that Ryan spent most of his childhood with, and even if he hadn’t, he’d be able to recognise Spencer by the huge, blue eyes.

“What – _Spencer_?” he says, and the tiny Spencer blinks back at him, bottom lip trembling, and then buries his face in the crook of Ryan’s neck. Ryan rubs soothing circles in his back instinctively, while Brendon gapes at them.

“That man was being scary,” Spencer mumbles against Ryan’s neck. “But I told him to stay away from you, don’t worry.”

Ryan says, “The scary – wait, _Brendon_?” He stops to giggle for a moment, somewhat hysterically and because he can’t think of what else to do. Brendon looks torn between annoyed and impressed and Ryan reaches up to smooth a hand over Spencer’s hair, and tells him quietly, “Brendon’s not scary, Spence.”

“He’s really big,” Spencer whispers, voice wobbling dangerously. “I don’t know who he is.”

Ryan hesitates and then says, “Spence? You know I’m kind of big now, too?”

Spencer pulls back enough to give him an unimpressed stare. It is freakishly similar to the kind a normal sized Spencer would give him. “Well, yeah,” he says, in a pointed, bored voice, “but you’re _Ryan_.”

*

Zack says, “I thought you guys couldn’t get any more irresponsible!”

“So,” Jon says, “Spencer… turned into a little kid?”

“Regressed in age, I think,” Brendon says, sinking to his knees and peering at the child in question5. “I mean, he’s still _him_ , he didn’t turn into anything, he just—”

“And then!” Zack says. “One of you went and got tinified!”

Ryan looks up. “Uh, dude, I don’t think tinified is even a—”

Zack looks at him. Ryan decides it’s probably in his better interests to shut up.

Brendon says, “So, like, it’s still Spencer, just – baby Spencer.”

“I’m not a baby, I’m six years old,” Spencer pipes up. Everyone swivels to look at him again and he glares and clutches Ryan’s leg a little harder.

“Seriously, Ross,” Brendon breathes, wide-eyed and starting to look all too much like he’s enjoying himself. “What did you _do_?”

“I didn’t _do_ anything,” Ryan snaps, “but we’ve got a show tomorrow night, in case you’ve forgotten—”

“Maybe you can get an awesome tech to fill in for you,” Jon says nonchalantly. That sounds too much like an insinuation that they’ll be replacing Spencer, so Ryan swivels and glares at him, and Jon laughs. “I’m going to get my camera,” he says, and wanders off.

“I’ll try and find someone for tomorrow,” Zack says. He points at Ryan, stern-faced. “ _You_. Look after him. He is so much easier to misplace right now, and if he gets lost, I know who I’m blaming.”

“No one’s gonna get lost,” Ryan tells him, and takes Spencer’s tiny hand in his.

“You did,” Spencer volunteers. “At the theme park, remember?” 6

Brendon is smirking at him. Ryan turns to Spencer and says, firmly, “Let’s go get something to eat,” before marching him away.

*

They have a video interview with MTV that afternoon, all four of them, and it’s as good a time as any, Zack says, for them to inform the general public that Spencer “is really sick”. That’ll have to be the excuse for the time being, anyway, as “has spontaneously de-aged fifteen years” is unlikely to go down well.

Spencer sits on the hotel bed and watches Disney movies on Brendon’s laptop while Ryan showers and gets dressed beforehand, having apparently decided that anyone with such an extensive DVD collection as Brendon can’t be all bad. He still looks pleased when Ryan comes back out, bending over the hotel mirror to run his hand through his hair and blink at himself.

“Ryan?” Spencer asks. “Are you wearing a flower scarf?”

Ryan pauses, and looks over at him. Brendon is watching them both with an increasingly wicked grin spreading on his face. Ryan hesitates for a moment and then says, “Yes?”

“Okay.” Spencer crosses his legs and watches Ryan for a while, head tilted to the side. Eventually, he offers up, “You know girls wear flower scarves, right?”

For a moment, everyone is quiet, and then Brendon cracks up laughing, almost rolling off of the bed. Ryan glares at him; he’s starting to think Brendon is all too delighted with the whole situation.

“Boys can like flowers too, Spence,” Ryan tells him. He pauses and then adds, “And the colour pink as well, if they want.” There’s a thump as Brendon actually does hit the floor, but Spencer still looks doubtful. Ryan takes a breath and launches into an explanation of gender norms, and how one of the things Panic tries to do is _challenge_ people’s stereotypical ideas about what is and isn’t acceptable, and how boys are allowed to want to feel pretty, too. If you want, Ryan says, you can wear make-up or dresses or anything you like, and it’s not up to society to tell you whether or not that’s okay, that _you’re_ the only person who can decide what you want to look like, and feel like, and challenging boundaries is an important thing to do.

He draws in a breath while Brendon wheezes from the floor. Spencer says, “Boys like superheroes. Don’t you have any Superman scarves?” 7

On the floor, Brendon starts crying with laughter. Ryan tries not to notice his whole world crashing down around him and says, blankly, “Come on, Brendon, it’s time to go.”

*

It’s weird, playing a show without Spencer. The guy Zack finds, Jeff, is really nice, and a good player, too, and he picks everything up incredibly fast considering they only have a day of rehearsal8, but it’s still weird. Ryan keeps turning to wander over and see Spencer only to find this other guy there, instead, and it’s a little discomforting.

It’s better once he notices Spencer himself standing off to the side. Spencer is bouncing up and down on his heels and beaming all over his face, and he dances a lot. Ryan can’t watch him the whole time because he starts laughing if he looks too long, but it’s enough to cheer him up, and by the time they walk offstage after the last song Spencer is practically glowing.

He looks up at Ryan with big eyes and says immediately, “I like your shirt thing,” nodding at Ryan’s old Reinvent Love vest9 and then, “I want to play the _drums_.”

“Oh yeah?” Jon says, grinning, as Ryan unbuttons his vests and drapes it over Spencer’s shoulders.

“Yeah!” Spencer says, delighted, shrugging into the vest. “BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!”

Brendon is laughing again, face bright and exhilarated, and Zack looks – despite himself – kind of charmed. A tinified Spencer, Ryan thinks, is maybe not _such_ a bad thing. He’s actually pretty cute.

*

Spencer is not so cute at two in the morning, when Ryan is trying to get some sleep in their hotel room and Spencer is jumping up and down on the bed, cackling. Ryan is going to kill whoever gave him sugar after the show (he suspects Brendon, and the possible involvement of a bottle of Coke).

“BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!” Spencer says.

“Please,” Ryan whispers, pitifully. “Please, I’m so – Spence, I need to _sleep_ —”

“BOOOM!” Spencer says, cheerfully. “BOOOOOOOM! BOOM, BOOM, CRASH!”

“ _Spencer_ ,” Ryan says.

“BOOM!” Spencer declares, and then, “Ryan, what’s a whore?”

Ryan sits up straight in his bed, hopelessly awake and furious now, too. “What?” he snaps. “Where did you hear that word?”

“Brendon said it,” Spencer tells him, beaming. “In his song. And then all the – all the peoples watching you screamed. Brendon’s a good dancer,” he adds, thoughtfully.

“Spencer,” Ryan says, struggling to remain coherent and pushing a hand through his hair. “Spence, Brendon doesn’t – he shouldn’t have said that. You shouldn’t say things like that either, okay? Promise me you won’t say that word?”

“I’m a good dancer, too,” Spencer muses.

Ryan stares at him. He kind of wants to cry – why the fuck, he thinks, would anyone ever, ever have children?

Next to him, his phone buzzes. _hey cld u keep spence quiet?_ Jon has texted him. _tryin 2 sleep thx :-)_

“Spence,” Ryan says, slowly, “Why don’t you go hammer on the wall over there? It’ll be like you’re talking to Jon through Morse Code.”

“Oooh,” Spencer says. “That sounds _fun_.”

*

The next day, Ryan sneaks off to call Keltie in the back lounge while Spencer’s eating lunch. He sort of wants to tell her about the whole Spencer-going-tiny thing, but Zack shook his head and said, “Just keep it quiet for a while, okay? Just until we work out what’s going on.”

They talk about normal things, instead, the latest dance tour Keltie’s on, with some of the old, original members of the Rockettes, how the band’s going. A year ago, she would already know about Spencer having been declared sick and asked after him, but now she doesn’t, and Ryan feels tired. Not as sad as he did at the beginning, not as lonely and aching with _missing_ her, but still tired. It’s so much effort to talk normally, all of a sudden, and he always loved talking to Keltie.

He hangs up and wanders back into the kitchenette. Jon and Brendon know how to deal with him after he’s been talking to Keltie by now, and Jon smiles at him while Brendon absently smooths his hand over Ryan’s back as he walks past, but Spencer blinks up at Ryan, curiously.

“Who were you talking to?” he asks.

“Oh,” Ryan says, twisting his fingers in the hem of his t-shirt because the words still taste weird in his mouth, heavy and chalky against his tongue. “Uh, my ex-girlfriend.”

Spencer looks up at him and says, little face screwed up in disgust, “You dated a _girl_?”

“Yes,” Ryan says. Brendon and Jon start to giggle despite themselves in the background but Ryan can’t find it that funny, yet, not with Keltie’s voice still ringing in his ears.

“Ewww,” Spencer says, nose crinkled. “Did you kiss her? Ewwwwww!”

“Yeah,” Ryan says, standing up and walking off to his bunk. “Well.”

He lies curled on his side and stares at the wall, huffs out a breath at how stupid he’s being. This is silly of him, he knows, this is where a lot of his problems start, these days10. Still, it’s hard not to feel lonely, and he tries hard not to call Keltie again. They agreed, ages ago, the long distance thing is just too hard; they’ve moved on. He doesn’t want to upset _her_ , as well.

After about fifteen minutes, the curtain squeaks aside just partially and a small, warm body crawls in next to him. “Ryan?” Spencer whispers.

Ryan swallows hard. “Yeah,” he forces himself to answer, because Spencer’s a little kid, he can’t get pissed at this.

“Are you sad?” Spencer asks, quiet and maybe a little upset himself, and Ryan rolls over at that. Spencer is staring at him with big, worried eyes, and Ryan smiles half-heartedly at him.

“Yeah, Spence,” he murmurs. “A little bit.”

Spencer nods solemnly. “Where does it hurt?” he asks, and Ryan’s not sure what he means for a moment, and then memories of childhood drift up at him, and he lays his hand over his heart.

“Here, I guess,” he says.

Spencer nods and leans forward, pushes Ryan’s hand aside. He kisses the cotton of Ryan’s shirt lightly, brow furrowed, and then looks up at Ryan. “Better?”

Ryan says, “Yeah.” He smiles. “Yeah, that’s actually much better. Thanks, Spence.”

“That’s okay,” Spencer says, and snuggles up under Ryan’s arm.

*

It’s weird, but they all start to accommodate to having Spencer on tour, after all. Jeff thinks Spencer’s sick, too, and stays mostly on the other bus with the techs, so their bus becomes a strange little place where Jon gives horsey rides in the corridors and Ryan relearns how to make Spencer’s favourite milkshake11.

Brendon watches hour after hour of Disney movies with Spencer, although after a while even he gets sick of them. Spencer appears to have never seen half of them, strangely enough – he watches Mulan with a mouth hanging wide open and eyes all shiny with happiness, until Brendon starts singing along. Then he glares at Brendon and asks, coldly, “Do you _mind_?”

Jon takes so many pictures that it gets vaguely disturbing, and Brendon starts making jokes about Spencer being like his firstborn. Jon just gives him a squinty glare and takes another photo12.

Mostly, though, Spencer just follows Ryan around like a small shadow, and Ryan remembers how Spencer used to be, how he looked after Ryan, even though Ryan was older. He’s doing it now, and Ryan wonders vaguely if maybe he’s been doing it all along.

Whatever the answer, Ryan’s kind of insanely grateful. Things between Spencer (when aged twenty-four) and Ryan had been tense lately, underlying tension between them since even before Ryan and Keltie broke up. Ryan would brush past Spencer and then have to jolt away, skin feeling prickly and electric. He wasn’t sure when it happened, when looking up to find Spencer’s eyes on him was something that made him blush rather than smile back, but it made him twitchy and uncertain. He loved Keltie (even now; would forever, he guessed) but there had always, always been Spencer, and Ryan didn’t know what to do.

All of a sudden, he’s really, really glad that the Spencer who is here now is one that can look after him in a simpler, more instinctive kind of way13. He pays Spencer back as best he can, which is with the faint memories of Spencer’s favourite snacks and bedtime stories and midnight cuddles.

The habits they fall back into are almost too easy. Spencer saves Ryan’s place next to him on the couch, glares at Brendon when he snuggles too close to Ryan14, and when he gets new snacks, he takes care to split them down the middle exactly and shares half.

Besides this, it’s really, really simple to make Spencer happy. Ryan finds Spencer’s favourite brand of ice cream, which is notoriously hard to find, and gives it to him the next time Spencer starts to look unhappy or miss his mom. Spencer holds the tub for a second, mouth open and eyes wide, and then he takes the ice cream and looks up and says clearly, “I _love_ you, Ryan.”

When they make stops at supermarkets, Ryan puts quarters in the mechanical pony rides out front and lets Spencer ride until he runs out of change.

*

There comes, of course, the day where Spencer chucks his first tantrum. Ryan doesn’t even understand how it happened – all he did was tell Spencer it was bedtime! And that there was no story tonight because Ryan had to do a phone interview! The next thing he knows, Spencer is lying on the floor completely rigid, turning red in the face, and screaming so loud Ryan is slightly frightened that child welfare services are going to turn up and demand to know what he’s doing to the child.

Ryan crouches next to him and says, “Spence, Spencer, come on, come on, little boy,” and shoots a pre-emptive glare at Brendon. Brendon smirks back at him but doesn’t say anything, just leans back against the door and watches, and Spencer keeps yelling, drowning out Ryan’s steady stream of soothing words.

“Don’t scream, Spence,” Ryan says a little while later, slightly more desperate. “It, uh, it makes me sad!”

Spencer stops screaming long enough to take a huge breath and shout, “ _Good_!”

“Dude,” Brendon says, from his spot on the sidelines. “With those lungs, he should be a singer.”

Eventually, Ryan sort of loses his patience. “I will give you a smack!” he threatens wildly. “Spencer Smith, I will _call your mother_ and give you a smack!”

When Spencer doesn’t give any sign of having heard, Ryan rolls Spencer over slightly, just enough to hit him lightly on his ass. It’s incredibly light (Spencer probably had trouble even feeling it through his pants) and Ryan thwacks him harder when Spencer decides that he’s Simba and makes Ryan be Scar, but Spencer screams even louder and Ryan has _no idea_ what to do.

“Oooh,” Brendon says, unfazed15. “Here comes the kicking.”

Jon edges close with his camera raised and Ryan swivels around so fast he winces preemptively for his poor neck. “ _Don’t_ ,” he snarls, “Even. _Think_ about it.”

Eventually, Brendon gets bored of watching and Jon wanders off, complaining about his head hurting from the noise. Ryan’s furious that somehow he’s become responsible for Spencer; he didn’t _ask_ for this to happen, he’s probably the one who’s having the shittiest personal life at the moment, and he resents being the one who has to deal with this. He doesn’t even know _how_ to begin dealing with it; he never had brothers and sisters, and when Spencer kicked tantrums in the past, Ryan was usually too busy kicking tantrums alongside him to care.

He misses his own Spencer16 with a sudden ferocity. He wants Spencer to look after him _properly_. He wants Spencer back. He wants to crawl into Spencer’s lap and say, “Whatever this is, we can fix it,” and he wants Spencer to believe him. He also sort of wants Spencer to kiss him.

In the end, he stops feeling sorry for himself, picks the little Spencer he’s stuck with up17 and carries him off to his bunk. He lies beside him and rubs his stomach and lets him scream himself out, until Spencer moves on to tiny, hitching sobs. Ryan kisses his forehead and says, “Sleep now, okay?”

Spencer sniffles and says, “Yes.”

“That was mean of you, just now,” Ryan tells him, quietly.

“I don’t _care_ ,” Spencer says snidely, and Ryan sighs and decides to leave it for the morning18.

*

They don’t really realise it until they’re eating at IHOP one day. The waitress is incredibly taken with Spencer and gets him the children’s placemat with crayons. Spencer announces that he’s going to have a Funny Face, and Ryan’s going to have a Rooty Jr.

“Oh, is there another child?” the waitress asks, looking delighted, while Ryan turns red and tries to sink lower in his chair.

“No, we don’t take kids on tour,” Spencer says, a little smugly. “This is Ryan. He’s my best friend.”

The waitress looks at Ryan and laughs. “But, sweetie,” she says. “Ryan’s not a kid, he can’t have something from the kiddie menu—”

Spencer levels her with a stare that is frighteningly similar to one a twenty-four year old Spencer might give someone who was annoying him. “That’s what we _always_ have,” he tells her, flatly. “Ryan can have whatever he wants.”

Ryan shrugs, the waitress caves, and Ryan enjoys his Rooty Jr. and shares it with Spencer, while Brendon and Jon try not to laugh.

“Hey,” Jon says, suddenly. “Aren’t we in Vegas, tomorrow?”

“Oh, fuck,” Zack says19. “Yeah, we’re – you guys gonna stop and see family?”

“Yeah,” Brendon says. “Yeah, we – won’t Ginger be expecting you, Ryan? Especially after we gave her all that shit about Spence having lost his voice and not being able to talk—”

“I guess so,” Ryan says. “I guess… we have to tell her eventually, anyway.” He looks down at Spencer, says, “You wanna go see your mom, tomorrow?”

Spencer looks up at him, face smeared with chocolate and whipped cream and smiling hugely. “Yes, _please_ ,” he says, almost reverently, and Ryan can’t help but grin back at him, smoothing a hand over his hair.

Jon faithfully snaps a picture. “Spencer and Ryan eat breakfast,” Brendon drones. “Seven slash three slash eleven. I am the biggest nerd in the world.”

*

In the end, it’s surprisingly simple. Ryan rings Ginger about an hour before they rock up to warn her and she says, “ _Really_? No, _really_?” and then, “Well, I’ll get out the ice cream.”

The ice cream doesn’t ever get eaten, though. They pull up outside the house, all of them, and Ginger and Spencer’s dad are waiting out by the gate.

“Oh,” Spencer says, simple and almost radiant with happiness. “Hi, Mommy.” Then he walks forward and gives her a hug and the next thing anyone knows, Ginger is standing on her tiptoes hugging a normal sized Spencer dressed in his old shirt and underwear20.

“Wait,” Brendon says, blinking furiously, as if Spencer’s an illusion of the light.

“Holy _shit_ ,” Jon breathes, and Spencer breaks away from his mom looking bewildered and turns around. Ryan watches him, heart swelling in his chest, stupid itching skin back and welcome, and smiles.

*

They stay for dinner, while Spencer says, “ _What_?” and “Wait, _what_?” and “Shut the fuck up, _what_?” a lot. Ryan sits quietly next to him, because he went to get up and wander off to help with the dishes, and Spencer reached out without looking, grabbed his wrist and dragged him back down into the seat. He kept on with his conversation without stopping, and Ryan’s beginning to think that Spencer didn’t even notice himself doing it.

They go back to the hotel late, and Zack checks a million times if Spencer’s sure he’ll be able to do the show tomorrow night. Spencer nods in a bewildered kind of way and takes Ryan’s hand absently, without even looking at him, when Ryan goes to lead the way to his room. Brendon bursts out laughing.

“It’s like you haven’t changed back properly, yet,” he says, and Spencer looks down at his and Ryan’s clasped hands and turns pink, but doesn’t let go.

When they get into their room, Ryan says, “I’m just gonna shower, okay?” and Spencer nods, still looking a little dazed. Ryan comes back out and Spencer’s watching the eleven o’clock news on the TV. His chin is propped in his hands and he’s chewing his bottom lip between his teeth, looking a little uncomfortable about something, but he smiles when he sees Ryan and waves him over.

Ryan sprawls on his stomach next to him. They’re quiet for a moment, and then Spencer offers up, “Well, that was weird.”

Ryan bursts out laughing, and Spencer grins sheepishly at him. After a while, when Ryan can breathe again, he asks, “Do you remember anything?”

“Sort of,” Spencer says, quietly. “But it feels like… a long time ago. I remember, like… warmth, and colour. It felt like summer, you know? And I remember Jon laughing, and Brendon singing, and you.”

“Oh,” Ryan says. He can feel a blush creeping up his neck, stares determinedly at the TV screen.

“It was kind of nice,” Spencer murmurs. “Just… this feeling of like, safety. And comfort. You were around a lot, huh?”

“Duh,” Ryan says. Spencer lowers his head and rests it against Ryan’s shoulder. Ryan hesitates and then says, “Brendon said you hogged me.”

“Yeah, well,” Spencer says softly. “Bad habits, you know.”

Ryan breathes out and squeezes Spencer’s hand. “You were a cute kid,” he says. “I’d forgotten.”

“Mmmn,” Spencer says. He sounds sleepy, all of a sudden, and Ryan nudges him up onto the bed, until they’re lying on their sides, facing each other. Spencer smiles tiredly at him, and Ryan nudges forward just a little, until their noses are almost brushing. He has to go cross-eyed if he wants to look at Spencer too carefully, but he doesn’t mind, and he doesn’t look that hard, either; doesn’t really need to. He can feel Spencer’s breath fanning across his face, the faint scent of dinner and, underneath that, the strawberry bubblegum he’d been chewing earlier that day. This close, Ryan can count all of his freckles.

“Still,” Ryan says. “I’m glad you’re back.”

 

 

 **Footnotes:**

1 Well. As much as such a thing can or cannot be anyone’s fault. [Back]

2 Hiding in the bathroom of the bus. [Back]

3 A sort of silence, anyway, the bus still rumbling along the road, Jon watching TV in the back lounge, Zack talking on the phone somewhere close by. [Back]

4 This is an unreasonable question. As has already been established, the whole thing was not Ryan’s fault. [Back]

5 Currently hiding behind Ryan’s leg. [Back]

6 Ryan did not get _lost_. Ryan made a detour to find the ride _he_ wanted to go on, because Spencer had picked the last three and six year old Ryan was firmly convinced that this was utterly unfair. Only, he hadn’t been able to find the ride he wanted, and after a while he’d realised that he’d lost Spencer and his family, too, and in the end he had to sit down next to the bouncy castle and cry. It was only ten minutes later that Spencer found him, but it felt like hours, and Ryan had thought he’d be lost _forever_. Ginger hovered anxiously over Spencer’s shoulder but Spencer was the one who took Ryan’s hand, and wiped Ryan’s tearstained face with his sleeve and said, “Come on, let’s go get ice cream.” Spencer held his hand for the rest of the day, too. [Back]

7 Ryan does not, in fact, have any Superman scarves. The next time they stop near a Walmart, though, Brendon buys some Batman pattern pyjamas and cuts them up into long strips. Spencer pronounces them very cool, and offers them to Ryan, beaming. [Back]

8 A day in which they don’t stop rehearsing, though. Spencer, luckily enough, is apparently quite content to sit in the lounge of the bus and watch movies and do some colouring, and occasionally to wander in and check on Ryan (Ryan is not sure, exactly, how the tiny, grave kid decided he was personally responsible for Ryan’s health and state of mind, but apparently the matter was decided long ago). [Back]

9 Having been broken out again after a year’s hiatus. Ryan felt like he needed something mindlessly comforting. [Back]

10 Problems with Spencer, anyway. Spencer furious and white-faced, hissing, “The only reason you’re still moping is because you’re too fucking _frightened_ to face the alternative!” Ryan turning and walking away, again and again and again. [Back]

11 An intricate and highly precise blend of four flavours of ice cream, milk, nuts, finely sliced strawberries, and chocolate topping. He is careful to never, ever let Brendon and Jon try it, because if they do, Ryan’s going to be stuck making it for the rest of all eternity. [Back]

12All of Jon’s pictures are labeled painstakingly with dates and a tiny explanation. “4/6/11: Spencer sleeping.” “4/6/11: Spencer has a bath in bus sink.” “4/6/11: Spencer wears Zack’s t-shirt.” “4/6/11: Spencer gets piggyback from Ryan.” There are approximately four billion photos for each day. [Back]

13 Also, Ryan loves this Spencer, but he’s definitely not attracted to him. Thank God. [Back]

14 Despite enjoying his company, Brendon and Jon are still faintly annoyed by Spencer’s insistent presence. “Baby-Spencer hogs Ryan,” Jon complains. “The rest of us never get cuddles anymore.”

“Also Zack won’t let us smoke,” Brendon adds. [Back]

15Brendon, as he will inform Ryan later, grew up in a big family. He has lots of nieces and nephews. Spencer all on his own doesn’t really rate in comparison. [Back]

16 Who is maybe not calm but at least not prone to hurt Ryan’s head this much when he’s angry. [Back]

17This is easier said than done, and Spencer is still lying completely stiff and rigid, and has the ability all children seem to possess of making himself ten times heavier than usual at will. [Back]

18The morning, when it comes, involves Ryan yelling, a lot (later, Brendon will say he was kind of impressed). Spencer is banned from all treats for three days, and if he ever does something like that again, Ryan will send him home and possibly also cancel Christmas. When Ryan stops to take a breath, Spencer tugs at his shirt and looks up at him with wet eyes. “Ryan,” he whispers. “Don’t be _mad_ at me!”

Ryan sighs and crouches down, envelops him in a hug. “I’m not at mad at you, Spencer,” he says. “It’s alright.”

Jon snaps a picture. Ryan glares. [Back]

19 For a while, an effort not to swear around Spencer was made, but everyone failed at it so miserably that it was decided if Spencer emerged from the whole experience with nothing worse than a dirty mouth, they would have done an incredibly good job at looking after him on tour. [Back]

20 The dinosaur shirt and cargo pants he had been wearing that morning apparently vanishing into the ether. [Back]


End file.
